*squeak* (ms_mixtape) wrote in song_book,

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yeah...i'm a bitch

song: the boy who blocked his own shot
artist: brand new

less than a month ago, i met a girl online. she lived fairly close, so we thought maybe we'd hang out. before we did, we started talking on the phone. every day...we started to really click. we rushed into it, though...decided to go out. yes, before we even met. she told me, even then, that this song reminded her of me. she told me these lyrics fit perfectly...for no real reason whatsover. she sent me the lyrics, and sang them to me. neither of us had any idea how well it would fit in the end.
i saw her, and things seemed to work out pretty well. personality-wise there were a lot of differences...but i don't know. i thought it could work.
i was wrong. the more we talked the more she pushed me. the more she tried to get me to open up. i have a really hard time trusting people, and a really hard time opening up. i am very afraid of emotion and attachement and caring for her scared me to death. the more we talked the more i learned about her and her life that just DIDN'T fit with me and my life. everything i cared about she seemed to feel the opposite about...i started to get scared and frustrated. i got uncomfortable.
i began to realize i wasn't ready to commit myself to her. or to anyone. i wasn't ready to sacrifice anything about my life to accomodate for hers, or anyone elses. i realized all i needed was to let go and to just be able to take care of myself...to be myself.
i told her i was afraid. i told her the truth. she didn't understand...she didn't understand anything about me. all she wanted to do was love me, but that...that was just to much.
i told her i wanted to be her friend...i mean, i thought i could handle that much.
as friends, though, she kept pushing and pushing...the same way as before. and she kept making jokes about me and her being together, and she kept trying to get us back together..she kept trying. i couldn't handle it. i told her i needed space. i felt smothered.
after a day or so, she IMed me. she just started talking. she didn't seem to care that i needed space. i'm generally a pushover, and i have a hard time being mean or saying what's on my mind or anything...so i talked back. i couldn't ignore her. i couldn't tell her i needed space...it'd been hard enough the first time. why didn't she get it?...she told me she loved me. the next day, she told me she didn't love me...that she had been wrong. she told me she didn't care, really.
we started talking again, but nothing had really changed. the conversations were just as hard for me as before, and i began to realize they would always feel like that.
i told her i couldn't be friends with her at all.
she called me insane. i hated hurting her...and it hurt me, too.
this is all in less than a month.
i feel like a big bitch, because i can't figure myself out. i don't know what i want or need, really...i can't explain anything i do. i'm so fucked up and everything hurts and i just...i want to curl up and make the world dissappear.
we talked on the phone today, because...well, she called. she was upset. it was only yesterday that i told her i couldn't be friends with her...just to give you a timeline sort of thing, i guess.
i know i'm not the victim in this. i know i'm the villain. i know all she wants to do is love me, and she keeps trying in every way...but i can't handle her. i can't handle her love. i can't handle who she is, or who i am. i just...i don't know. i'm so mixed up. she posted the lyrics on her lj today, and i almost cried(i NEVER cry). they fit so amazingly now. the lyrics describe everything in her, and i know it...i feel it, too.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. you are the blood in my veins...
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